We Go Together

Dear Maai,

I can’t believe it has been a year since you decided to say farewell to the world. 25 years old, nothing more or less. It always seemed you lived your life up to four times of a regular intensity, which would sort of make you a century old.

But it’s stupid to think like that. You did not deserve the things that made you act in certain ways. That made you so self-destructive and afraid. I miss you so often, your voice, the ability to share my crazy thoughts or wildest dreams. You always had the right words; a brilliant mix of confrontation, poetry and support.

It has been so hard to see so much of myself in you, of you in me. I would know when you would fall down, but continued believing in your fights. You moved three steps forward, two steps back.. That extra step made all of us so proud, but those steep steps down slowly broke you down.

As much as I miss you, I am also very proud of you. Off all the battles you’ve won, or at least started. Of fears you faced, of thoughts you shared and of the stars you found in the black-black sky. I am glad I have had the opportunity to get so close to you, to know your deepest - and darkest - thoughts, and to be able to share mine with you, a shameless way. I know we sometimes did not contact each other for some weeks, times could be dark and we could not always deal with seeing the other at it’s worst - but there was always that one thing. Hope.

You had so much hope for me, so much enthusiasm and energy to make me want to try the things that scared me. I never stopped believing in you, or maybe I did not allow myself to think about that one thing. The worst.

That card in the mail. Your name, surrounded by black lines.

It shattered my world, made me hide for weeks, cry all night, sleep bits during the day. It made me fall down to the point where I started to get scared of myself.. It made me dive, hard and deep. But in the opposite direction. I chose life, as much as I hated it at the moment.

And look at me now. I took you to Istanbul, Thailand, Taiwan, Australia, Malaysia, Japan, Singapore.. I brought you to my temple in Chiang Mai, the Blue Mountains, Kyoto, Bikram yoga, cycling in Taipei, NYE in Bangkok..

Shortly before you decided to stop - breathing, smiling, crying, hugging - you sent me a little guardian angel, which travels along in my backpack. I know I don’t really need it, you have been guiding me just fine. From a very pessimistic and depressed Saar, I am slowly turning in to the person you have always been able to see in me. You looked straight through the pain and past, you saw me realizing my dreams. And you know what? I start to believe that I will get there. It hurts like **** I can no longer share my (mostly) ups and (somedays) downs with you, that I can no longer support you or cheer you on..

Thank you Maai. As much as I would want you here beside me, like opa and omi, I know you saw no other way. You had to choose, for yourself. And that..takes a lot of guts. You’re possibly the strongest person I have ever known and I will make sure to keep you alive.

By carrying you in my heart. By re-reading your postcards and emails (well, once I dare to…not something I feel like doing right now).

It is so surreal you are no longer around. It must be because of your voice, in my head. Sweet words that let me know you are so proud of me. And dear, do know, I am darn proud of you.

100 years, lived in 25. They will not easily fade away. Our memories will live on, pinky-promise.